I've been led to think about death a lot lately. I hate to think about it. I think it's utterly terrifying and I really hope it doesn't steal me sometime soon. Because people say all these inspirational things about life, carpe diem. And you can't just seize the day all day every day. Half the time you're stuck waiting or procrastinating and it's just such such such a waste and I'm sick of wasting time. I don't do enough to be one of those beautiful people who get their life taken away from them too early. Because they are always good people. And I'm not a good enough person with enough friends to die too young. They're always people, ordinary people that you wouldn't guess.
But I can't leave it up to the odds to determine my life. I can't possibly die soon if someone close to me dies.
You can't just leave it at that because that's when the darkness swoops in and does something no one expected. Life is so unexpected, left to chance, and everyone will always be left to suffer the inevitability of mortality. Some, too soon. Some, too great. And I'm too scared.
I spend my time flailing around and underneath I'm so scared I won't get to do the things I want to do. And I'm so scared that someone will, one day, be terribly upset they didn't get to say goodbye to me.
Goodbye. How can you say things like that to people.
Just ordinary people.
It's so miserable and I feel a bit useless. Is my life so trivial?
I think that's why I want to make short films to music showing the niceness of life and stop sitting around at my desk pretending. I just want to feel and live.
